Seven months ago, when Justice was just 6 months old, Jason and I found out that I was pregnant with our second child. I should explain my emotions to you, but please don't judge me! I was a wreck. My initial response was, "OH my God" (a prayer/freak out), than I was immediately moved to tears and sadly, not those of joy. How was I going to do this? I had just started feeling comfortable in my skin again and my life. I had begun to finally feel like I could still impact a generation, be a part of my church, Pastor with my husband, love my husband and still be a great mother. How could I possibly do it all and move forward with two children?
I've spent the last several months off and on wondering how in the world I'm going to be able to do more than just be a "mom". With two kids my whole world will change, right? I've heard it said a million times that the jump from one child to two is very difficult! But I still have dreams, ambitions, and goals. I strive to do everything excellently, but something is going to have to give. I know that being "mom" is number one and I want it to be. That is what I must do it perfectly. I can't fail at it. So, what has to go?
Sunday night we had Christine Caine visit our church. She is a powerful and dynamic speaker! She always brings a challenging word. I'd heard this particular message before, but after a day of "heavy moments", moments where things weren't perfect, where I doubted my gifting, where I desired more, but gave little effort to get it (yes, all in one day!), this message was incredibly necessary. EMBRACE YOUR PLACE.
She was talking to me! Did she know what I had been struggling with? Let me just be incredibly honest, when you go to church 3-5 times a week, times become rarer and rarer when you feel like a message is directed at you. Being a pastor, we get wrapped up in the "doing" and miss the moments where God might be speaking to us. I needed this. I needed a reminder. She spoke on the body and how every part is essential, how even the smallest parts can cripple the whole. I needed to remember that my part is being played only if I chose to play it. I needed reminding that if I don't play my part, that the body is crippled. What is my part? I'm still figuring some of that out, but here's what I do know: I am mother, I am wife, I am Pastor, I am friend, I am sister, I am leader, I am daughter. I will and can embrace these things, that I know I am. As I embrace who I KNOW I am, God will show me how to do become the things I desire to be.
While this last few months has had it's ups and downs, I'm excited for what the next year entails. I'm excited to meet my little girl, Shyloh Grace (Shyloh means "his gift"). I have my moments of freaking out, but I know that God has put desires deep within me to be mom, Pastor, speaker, writer, wife, lover, friend, blesser, encourager and even more yet to be identified desires. I know that if I stay faithful to the "place" he has put me in during this moment of history, that he will stay faithful to me and the desires he has put in me.
There is a reason and a purpose for this little girl in our lives at this moment. There is a reason, as well, why these passions are stirring inside of me in this moment. I choose to embrace the place that I'm in, cease this moment and live it to the best of my ability. If I don't then I will cripple more than just myself. I will cripple my family, my friends and my church; because I'm a small part of a whole. I'm needed. My situation doesn't hold me back, it gives me opportunity to love more, to learn more and to live more! Plus it blesses me with a little girl, that I may have never gotten around to!
Good post Erica! Sometimes it's hard to understand why God has put us in certain situations/circumstances. We often don't feel ready or equipped to deal with them. I worked with youth a lot before I had Rhys and for a while afterwards. Now God has opened my eyes to new needs that I never would have come across if it hadn't been for being a mother.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I found the jump from one to two really easy. I was already taking care of a child, I had all of the stuff, I was at home anyways, I knew how to bathe them and change diapers...it wasn't hard. Sometimes people just like to share all of their horror stories and not enough of the good times :)
Good post Erica! Sometimes it's hard to understand why God has put us in certain situations/circumstances. We often don't feel ready or equipped to deal with them. I worked with youth a lot before I had Rhys and for a while afterwards. Now God has opened my eyes to new needs that I never would have come across if it hadn't been for being a mother.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I found the jump from one to two really easy. I was already taking care of a child, I had all of the stuff, I was at home anyways, I knew how to bathe them and change diapers...it wasn't hard. Sometimes people just like to share all of their horror stories and not enough of the good times :)